Joke Thread ... Add yours.

[Kingy]

Following Christopher Lees death the sun have written an article about dracula..
The article didn't appear in the mirror though....

[Ghost2]

A man walks into a zoo, the only animal on show was a dog......................
it was a Shitzu....

[Kingy]

Pmsl. Like that.

[BB]

made me laugh too

[Ghost2]

Bless her though, she tried out the new female Viagra.

I came home and there she was waiting for me...with a massive wide-on.



An eight-year-old boy swaggered into a pub, sat on a barstool and said, "I'll have a large brandy and one of your finest cigars, please."

The barmaid swiftly assessed his tender years and replied, "Do you want to get me in trouble?"

"Maybe later; for now I'll just have the brandy and the cigar."



You can't run through a campground.

You can only ran, because it's past tents.



Woman goes into a pharmacy and says, "I want to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist says, "Why do you want to buy cyanide?"

Woman says, "I want to kill my husband."

Pharmacist says, "I can't sell you cyanide to kill you husband, we will both go to jail."

Woman says, "I really want to kill my husband."

Pharmacist says firmly, "No, I won't sell you any cyanide."

Woman pauses, and then passes the pharmacist a photograph showing her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

Pharmacist looks at the photograph and then says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."



Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said the elder nun at the back. "I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

[Kingy]

Ha ha 



Two Thai girls asked me if I’d like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

-----

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink penis. 

The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis reflects the cultural and sociological oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society". 

After the curator left, a Scotsman man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" 

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?" asked the couple. 

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there is no African-American representation at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

-----

I looked out my window and saw a guy in a black robe who was trying to clear the frost off his car with a scythe. So I thought I'd go and help.

"Stop," said my wife, grabbing my arm. "You're de-icing with death".

-----

Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell 50ft and crushed him underneath.



he tried in vain to attract attention,but every time he shouted 



"the milky bars are on me"


everyone cheered.

-----

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?



Wi' jam in.



How do the Wailers like their doughnuts ?


Wi' jam in too.

[Kingy]

What is the difference between a sock and a camera?

One takes five toes, the other takes photos.

[Kingy]

We have started to call grandad Spiderman. Not that he has got superhuman powers but for the fact that he has difficulty getting out of the bath.

[jollyjoiner]

(02-24-2016, 04:17 PM)Kingy Wrote: We have started to call grandad Spiderman. Not that he has got superhuman powers but for the fact that he has difficulty getting out of the bath.

[Ghost2]

I was on a train this morning, in the loo, when a voice called out, "Can I see your ticket please?"

"Not right now." I replied, "I'm having a dump."

"I don't believe you." Said the voice. "Slide it under the door."

"No probs," I said. "The yellow bits are sweetcorn" ..............





Just had some strobe lights fitted in the bedroom.

Sex is the same, but the wife looks like she's moving now......