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Joke Thread ... Add yours.
Bloke hates his wife's cat so much he drives to the next town and dumps it. When he gets home its there.
Next day he drives 50 miles and dumps it. When he gets home its there again.
So next day he drives to the other side of the country and dumps it.
6 hours later he rings his wife and asks "Is that fecking cat home?"
"yes.. Why?" asks the wife....
Hubby says "Put the bloody thing on the phone, I'm lost."


I just asked siri "surely it's not going to rain today"
She said "It will and don't call me Shirley"

Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.


I've got a meeting at Gamblers Anonymous's at twenty five to one...


A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules.
"I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."


A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the
room. 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I'm just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he asks solemnly.
The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your dad caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that, too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says....
'I would have gotten out today!


Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mum asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mum fainted.


They say there's a peeping tom in almost every street nowadays. Well, I know for a fact it's not the girl who lives opposite me.
She just sits in her underwear in her bedroom most of the time, watching TV and playing with her phone!


Jeff Wayne couldn't believe it when he came home one evening to find his wife bringing herself to orgasm with a chocolate bar.

"The chances of anyone coming from Mars, are a million to one!" He said!!
[Image: Crashtestmonkeyredsmall_zpsfc1e3d39.jpg] Croft 2005, Cadwell 2006, Cadwell 2007
Bloke lying on his death bed looks up at his wife a wearily says " I have to tell you something I slept with your sister"

"Its ok I forgive you" says his wife as he slips back into a weary sleep.

He wakens again and says " I have to tell you I slept with your other sister"

"Don't worry darling I forgive you" says his wife as again he slips in to a weary sleep.

He wakes again and shouts "but I also slept with your mother"

"I know you stupid twat why do you think I poisoned you" Replies his wife.
I went to the doctor today and he said "we have received your test results and I am afraid to tell you that you only have ten to live"

"My god, ten what ffs?"

"..nine, eight..."


"Doctor, I think i've got that hereditary diarrhoea."

"Diarrhoea isn't hereditary."

"But it's in me jeans!"


My 1st wife died of mushroom poisoning

My 2nd wife died of mushroom poisoning

My 3rd wife died of hammer blows to the head .. she wouldnt eat the fecking mushrooms


A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up a month ago on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything but... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your w!lly was chopped off in the crash, and we were unable to find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You've got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new w!lly that will work as well as your old one did – better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch.”
The man perks up at this.
“So,” the doctor says, “it's for you to decide how many inches you want.
But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five-inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine-incher, she might be a bit put out.
But if you had a nine-inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five-incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the right decision.”
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
“So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”
"I have" says the man.
“And has she helped you in making the decision?”
“She has,” says the man.
“And what is it?” asks the doctor.
“We're getting a new fecking kitchen.”


The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting....
"Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey shagged a penguin!"


Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol Poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy from Belfast, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."
[Image: Crashtestmonkeyredsmall_zpsfc1e3d39.jpg] Croft 2005, Cadwell 2006, Cadwell 2007
Biggest joke of the month:

Scottish independence.

Mwa ha ha ha.
Some good ones Big Grin
Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first cowboy says his favorite position is the “rodeo”. The other cowboy asks what the position is, and how to do it? The first cowboy says, “You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she’s really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear : “Your sister likes this position too.”
Then try to hang on for more than 8 seconds.
[Image: Crashtestmonkeyredsmall_zpsfc1e3d39.jpg] Croft 2005, Cadwell 2006, Cadwell 2007
Sometimes I hide my wifes inhaler. The neighbours think I am a stud when they hear her panting heavily "give it to me!"


Bloke comes home to his wife and says "We're broke. I'm working three jobs and I can't fit anymore work in. you're going to have to go on the game".

Obviously she objects but after much reassurance she agrees. Her husband agrees to park his car nearby and keep an eye out for her safety, and she starts the night standing on the street corner.

Not long after a car pulls up next to her and the window goes down. "You looking for business love?" Says the man in the car. She nods her head and gets in.

"How much?" He asks
"Hang on" she says, and gets out of the car and walks back to her husband, and taps on the window.
"What's up" he says
"he wants to know how much" she says
"Tell him forty quid" he says, and his wife goes back to the car.

"It's £40" she says
"Right - I've only got twenty. What can I have for twenty?" He asks
"Hang on" she says and again goes to her husbands car and taps on the window
"What's up now?" He says
"he's only got twenty. What can he have for twenty?"
"Tell him her can have hand relief" he says and his wife goes back to her punter

"For twenty quid you can have hand relief" she says
"Righto" the punter says and unzips his fly and takes out his cock.

"Hang on" she says, and gets out of the car and walks to her husbands car again and taps on window.
"What now?" He asks angrily
His wife says

"Can you lend him twenty quid?"


Two ducks from Northern Ireland are crossing the road. "Quack quack" said one. "Im going as quack as I can" replied the other


Gaffer on site says to Paddy & Mick "What the hell are you two playing at sat on your arses? Right here's my address, the wife wants the porch painting so take a tin of undercoat and a tin of gloss and don't come back till it's done"
4 hours later they're back covered in paint. Gaffer says to them "Is it done? And did you do a good job"
Paddy says "It is!" winks at him and says "But don't try and play us again! It was a Jaguar not a porch"


A woman takes a lover during the daytime.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet.
Then the woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '£250'
A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover, are in the closet together..
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a sand wedge.
'The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy - '£750'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice'.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'
The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'
Boy - '£1,000.'
The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'
They go to the church, and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit with me again.
You're in my closet now.'
[Image: Crashtestmonkeyredsmall_zpsfc1e3d39.jpg] Croft 2005, Cadwell 2006, Cadwell 2007
What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he said.

The other man replies, "No, just having a shit."

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read ...

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope...
Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched.

He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing.
I think it might have been one of those thieving bastards at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna

[Image: Crashtestmonkeyredsmall_zpsfc1e3d39.jpg] Croft 2005, Cadwell 2006, Cadwell 2007
Hahahaha I like that one Kingy
[Image: Crashtestmonkeyredsmall_zpsfc1e3d39.jpg]
Cadwell 2011/ Angelsey2011/ Cadwell 2013 (this one hurt) and retired me Sad

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