Joke Thread ... Add yours.

[jollyjoiner]

Coat !!!! get it lol

[Kingy]

Apologies in advance ...


A lonely bloke passes a pet shop and sees a sign, 'Talking Centipede For Sale '

He goes in and pays £200 for this centipede and takes it home in a matchbox.

After a few moments, he gets curious, slides open the matchbox, and whispers, "Hello, mate. Fancy a pint down the pub ? "

A few minutes go by, so he rattles the box. "Hello, what'd you think, mate ? "

No response.

After a half hour, the bloke's getting angry, thinking he's been cheated. So, he shouts into the matchbox. "Fecking Feck ! What's going on ? "

The box slides open and the centipede pops his head out and says, " I heard you the first time, you tw@t. I'm just putting my shoes on"

[Kingy]

Maria, the Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was a little annoyed about this, and asked. “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”

Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increase.”
“The first is that I iron better than you.”

Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”

Maria: “Jor huzban, he say so.”

Wife: “Oh yeah?”

Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”

Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”

Maria: “Jor huzban did.”

Wife, increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”

Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth: “And did my husband say that as well?”

Maria: “No Señora…. the gardener did.”

Wife: “So Maria, how much do you want.....

[Kingy]

I was talking to a pretty girl in the Durham baths the other day & she said "Are you flirtin?"

I said "No I've got one foot on the bottom"

[Kingy]

Agreed

Lif is too short...

[Kingy]

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ''You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?''

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. ''One day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.''

''No shit?'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

''Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'''

''Keep going!''

I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, ''You now have three wishes.''

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ''I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.'' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, ''What will be your second wish?''

''What next?'' begged the bartender.

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?''

I looked at her and replied, ''How 'bout a little head?''

[Kingy]

A couple had retired for the night and the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on gently feeling her hips first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. "Why are you stopping?" she whispered. He whispered back ...... " I found the remote!"

------------

This afternoon a man collapsed on top of the London Eye. Doctors attending the scene say the man is slowly coming round.

[jollyjoiner]

Hahaha very good

[Yogi]

Some good one there Kingy.

[Kingy]

Apologies in advance, but ...


Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. The other lady asked, "What's that?" "A condom," the lady responded. "This way my cigarette doesn't get wet." "Where did you get it?" the other lady asked. "You can get them at any chemist."
The next day, the second lady hobbled herself down to the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
"It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."