Joke Thread ... Add yours.

[Yogi]

Very good

[Kingy]

Its an old one, but still made me chuckle ...

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Acme Company.

In court, the Acme Company's hot-shot lawyer was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the lawyer.

Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the.. '

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road.... '

The lawyer interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the lawyer: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into de trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge truck came thundering through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.

By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning'. I knew she was in terrible pain.

Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the feck would you say?'

[croweman]

Haha I like it.

[Kingy]

This morning a flying insect came into the kitchen, landed on the table and exploded!
.. I think it was a Jihadi Long Legs.

[FraserG]

Ireland's worst air disaster has happened this morning when a Cessna 2 seater crashed into a cemetery.
Body count is 1264 and rising.

[Kingy]

Knock knock.

"Who's there?"

"Dejav."

"Dejav who?"

Knock knock.

----

My daughter has just taken two black guys up to her bedroom to study together.

From the sounds of it they're getting every revision question right.

----

What do you call en unemployed goat?
Billy Idol.

[Kingy]

A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Putney because the waitress had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, aged 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Putney because the food and service was good and the beer was excellent.

Ten years later, aged 60, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Putney because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, aged 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Putney because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, aged 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Putney because they had never been there before.

----

The Doctor looked me squarely in the eye and said. "You seriously need to reduce your alcohol intake or you'll ruin what's left of your liver completely."
"Feck off, Doc," I replied. "You always say that when it's your round. Get the beers in, you tight git."

----

If anyone needs a chimney I'm giving one away


It's on the house

[Kingy]

A lunatic escapes from the local madhouse,and runs into a launderette,where he molests two of the staff before running off.
The headline in the paper the day after read:

"Nut Screws Washers and Bolts"

----

A psychic dwarf escaped from prison yesterday.
The mornings headlines:

"Small medium at large"

[Kingy]

Aussie Helpline

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp,
and now it’s swollen and has completely closed up."

"Bummer mate!"

"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that. Bye."

----

Rolf Harris, Stuart Hall and Dave Lee Travis walk into a bar in Ireland.

The barman says, "Not Yew Tree again!".

----

Q: What do hillbillies do at Halloween?
A: Pump kin

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I joined a reggae band as a triangle player.
I just stand at the back and ting.

[Kingy]

I asked the local prostitute if we could do something kinky, so she put a pair of jump leads up my bum!!

Don't get me wrong, even at my age i quite liked it, but i couldn't believe how much she charged me....