Joke Thread ... Add yours.

[Kingy]

I went to the doctor today and he said "we have received your test results and I am afraid to tell you that you only have ten to live"

"My god, ten what ffs?"

"..nine, eight..."

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"Doctor, I think i've got that hereditary diarrhoea."

"Diarrhoea isn't hereditary."

"But it's in me jeans!"

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My 1st wife died of mushroom poisoning

My 2nd wife died of mushroom poisoning

My 3rd wife died of hammer blows to the head .. she wouldnt eat the fecking mushrooms

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A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up a month ago on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything but... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your w!lly was chopped off in the crash, and we were unable to find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You've got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new w!lly that will work as well as your old one did – better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch.”
The man perks up at this.
“So,” the doctor says, “it's for you to decide how many inches you want.
But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five-inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine-incher, she might be a bit put out.
But if you had a nine-inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five-incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the right decision.”
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
“So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”
"I have" says the man.
“And has she helped you in making the decision?”
“She has,” says the man.
“And what is it?” asks the doctor.
“We're getting a new fecking kitchen.”

----

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting....
"Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey shagged a penguin!"


----

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol Poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy from Belfast, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."