Bloke hates his wife's cat so much he drives to the next town and dumps it. When he gets home its there.
Next day he drives 50 miles and dumps it. When he gets home its there again.
So next day he drives to the other side of the country and dumps it.
6 hours later he rings his wife and asks "Is that fecking cat home?"
"yes.. Why?" asks the wife....
Hubby says "Put the bloody thing on the phone, I'm lost."
---
I just asked siri "surely it's not going to rain today"
She said "It will and don't call me Shirley"
Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.
----
I've got a meeting at Gamblers Anonymous today...it's at twenty five to one...
----
A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules.
"I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."
----
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the
room. 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I'm just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he asks solemnly.
The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your dad caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that, too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says....
'I would have gotten out today!
----
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mum asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mum fainted.
----
They say there's a peeping tom in almost every street nowadays. Well, I know for a fact it's not the girl who lives opposite me.
She just sits in her underwear in her bedroom most of the time, watching TV and playing with her phone!
----
Jeff Wayne couldn't believe it when he came home one evening to find his wife bringing herself to orgasm with a chocolate bar.
"The chances of anyone coming from Mars, are a million to one!" He said!!
Next day he drives 50 miles and dumps it. When he gets home its there again.
So next day he drives to the other side of the country and dumps it.
6 hours later he rings his wife and asks "Is that fecking cat home?"
"yes.. Why?" asks the wife....
Hubby says "Put the bloody thing on the phone, I'm lost."
---
I just asked siri "surely it's not going to rain today"
She said "It will and don't call me Shirley"
Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.
----
I've got a meeting at Gamblers Anonymous today...it's at twenty five to one...
----
A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules.
"I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."
----
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the
room. 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I'm just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he asks solemnly.
The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your dad caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that, too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says....
'I would have gotten out today!
----
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mum asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mum fainted.
----
They say there's a peeping tom in almost every street nowadays. Well, I know for a fact it's not the girl who lives opposite me.
She just sits in her underwear in her bedroom most of the time, watching TV and playing with her phone!
----
Jeff Wayne couldn't believe it when he came home one evening to find his wife bringing herself to orgasm with a chocolate bar.
"The chances of anyone coming from Mars, are a million to one!" He said!!
![[Image: Crashtestmonkeyredsmall_zpsfc1e3d39.jpg]](http://i300.photobucket.com/albums/nn12/Muddymonkeys/Crashtestmonkeyredsmall_zpsfc1e3d39.jpg)
Croft 2005, Cadwell 2006, Cadwell 2007