Joke Thread ... Add yours.

[Kingy]

Sometimes I hide my wifes inhaler. The neighbours think I am a stud when they hear her panting heavily "give it to me!"

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Bloke comes home to his wife and says "We're broke. I'm working three jobs and I can't fit anymore work in. you're going to have to go on the game".

Obviously she objects but after much reassurance she agrees. Her husband agrees to park his car nearby and keep an eye out for her safety, and she starts the night standing on the street corner.

Not long after a car pulls up next to her and the window goes down. "You looking for business love?" Says the man in the car. She nods her head and gets in.

"How much?" He asks
"Hang on" she says, and gets out of the car and walks back to her husband, and taps on the window.
"What's up" he says
"he wants to know how much" she says
"Tell him forty quid" he says, and his wife goes back to the car.

"It's £40" she says
"Right - I've only got twenty. What can I have for twenty?" He asks
"Hang on" she says and again goes to her husbands car and taps on the window
"What's up now?" He says
"he's only got twenty. What can he have for twenty?"
"Tell him her can have hand relief" he says and his wife goes back to her punter

"For twenty quid you can have hand relief" she says
"Righto" the punter says and unzips his fly and takes out his cock.

"Hang on" she says, and gets out of the car and walks to her husbands car again and taps on window.
"What now?" He asks angrily
His wife says

"Can you lend him twenty quid?"

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Two ducks from Northern Ireland are crossing the road. "Quack quack" said one. "Im going as quack as I can" replied the other

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Gaffer on site says to Paddy & Mick "What the hell are you two playing at sat on your arses? Right here's my address, the wife wants the porch painting so take a tin of undercoat and a tin of gloss and don't come back till it's done"
4 hours later they're back covered in paint. Gaffer says to them "Is it done? And did you do a good job"
Paddy says "It is!" winks at him and says "But don't try and play us again! It was a Jaguar not a porch"

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A woman takes a lover during the daytime.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet.
Then the woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '£250'
A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover, are in the closet together..
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a sand wedge.
'The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy - '£750'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice'.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'
The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'
Boy - '£1,000.'
The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'
They go to the church, and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit with me again.
You're in my closet now.'